The Meter -- Tournament Of Noses

The rules are simple. Ratings from zero to ten. Ten, good. Zero, bad. Five, right down the middle. Ready? Go!

George W. Bush: 2. Nice to see you get back from vacation, eh? Come on: state funeral outside the U.S. means that Cheney shows up. State funeral within the U.S. means that you show up. Period.

Nancy Pelosi: 2.1. You too, ma'am. Betty Ford flew from California, and she has thirty years on you. You get a little bit of extra consideration only because you would have had to fly commercial, which apparently is a bit of a mess at the moment. But, then again, there are direct flights from San Francisco to D.C.

Gerald Ford: 8. Good news: your death has reminded everybody that you can be decent with each other and still operate politically. Bad news: you aren't around to kick everybody in the ass when they don't. And if there are people who deserve ass-kickings, it is this crowd. Sorry to see you go.

110th Congress: 10. You go in with the goodwill of the nation. You want to get stuff done in the first 100 hours. We are going to be charitable and give you a full week. And then we go in with the dogs. The clock starts Wednesday at noon. Be careful.

Eliot Spitzer: 7. Day One, everything changes. OK. So you signed a bunch of executive orders taking on nonsensical stuff going on in the Executive Branch. The problem with Albany is the legislature. Good luck in changing them. [And your inaugration ball is headlined by (excuse me) James Taylor, Natalie Merchant and Ben Vereen. They are gonna have to chain you down if you keep on like this. You are a wild man!]

People who are convinced that The Big Fella is coming back this year: 5 (to 1). Some people who responded to an AP poll forgot to eat their Wheaties, apparently. One in four Americans believe that it is "likely that Jesus will return in 2007." Evangelicals are, obviously, more insistent; just under half say that it is at least "somewhat" likely; one in five say it's "very" likely. The way I figure it, these numbers are pretty static over time; the same folks who predicted the End of Days this year probably have said the same thing for years, and decades. So, it's money-where-your-mouth-is time. I am taking bets--at a very favorable 5:1, given the national breakdown of 3:1 against. (Beauty part: if He doesn't show by the end of the year, I get rich. Fools and their money are soon parted, of course. If He does show up, then the faithful will be so overcome that they forget to collect their winnings. I can't lose!) A fiver a play, guys. I say Jesus doesn't show. Pony up.

War on Christmas Warriors: $2.99. The secular progressives hadn't stopped Christmas from coming! It came! Somehow or other, it came just the same! And all the blowhards! They all began to wear frowns. And the snark-attackers exclaimed, "see you next year, clowns." [But, for the love of God: wait until Thanksgiving next year. Let the end of the creeping holiday season begin with you.]